i can’t even write about what is it this thing that sits so heavily on my soul like i used to like when the angers used to stab and prick i could release it in a nice flow of ink and not blood but it now it looks like blood is that answer but i refuse to be that suicidal i am only partially suicidal suicidal in that i want to kill the part that hates myself, the part i myself hate, those parts that haunt me because i am weak and a coward and unwilling to own up to my fears and disappointments because i’m scared of out there and the people and the rejection but just scared in general of many things but fear is not the reason i can’t explain what is it just is the fact that i’m an very ineffectual human being and should be wiped off the face of this earth but did we just say we wouldn’t go there? because those would invoke all those feelings which would invoke all those which would invoke all those which would which would which would i am wondering now about many inexplicable things like the moon and the universe lets concentrate what is the distance from the earth to the moon? the width of this universe? and etc. etc. i don’t know why i suddenly thought like that, i laugh at myself, i am not cosmic and i am not even worth a speck of space dust i call myself the cat from mars but i am merely subterrestrial or a foot servant of the god of war because he won’t even deign to look at me perhaps i was wrong the reason no one loves me is because the gods hate me oh god look at that overdramatic little piece of sh - seriously now can we just talk about the hate and the non-love this absence of love and my indescribable non-beauty that is so ugly in so many ways that i can’t help but cringe every time i see myself in that goddamn cracked mirror like the way the wind blurs the images of my mind and that moment right there i stopped typing i stopped thinking i am scared lets get back to that i am scared that the consciousness is slipping very slowly little by little soon i won’t even remember my name! myself! who i loved! (if i ever did love anyone) and how all those little smiling grinning evil smiling grinning faces open their red mouths wide in attempt to shout i love you but merely descend back into dark depths and from there from there they start feeding on me first my intestines then my stomach then my liver and finally my heart, that big juicy black jewel that lies between my metal lungs.
